Still, there are 10 games left to play, so something will have to transpire, right? IWIWAG podcast contributor Phil Lavanco offers up a few tongue-in-cheek predictions for Newcastle's finishing kick.
March 15: Fulham (A)
Newcastle flies down to the English capital to face struggling Fulham in John Carver’s first game in charge after Pardew is suspended for five matches. Unfortunately, for the travelling fans, this match plays out like a classic tale of what could have been.
Newcastle dominates possession, shots and chances, only to concede a corner kick goal to Brede Hangeland in the 88th minute.
The loss is stunning to both players and fill-in manager. On the flight back north, Mathieu Debuchy is consoled over the phone by former Magpie Yohan Cabaye, who watched the match back in Paris.
Debuchy and Cabaye begin a cross-channel game of "no, you hang up first."
Final score: Fulham 1 - Newcastle 0, 0 points
March 22: Crystal Palace (H)
Newcastle returns to St. James' Park to face Crystal Palace and Tony Pulis' squad of rejected rugby players. The result is a comfortable 2-0 win for the Black and White Army.
Yoan Gouffran scores both goals for Newcastle, prompting Matt Feltz to leap onto Twitter to keyboard warrior "I told you so" to his 306 followers.
Final score: Newcastle 2 - Crystal Palace 0, 3 points
March 25: Everton (H)
Newcastle is unable to avenge its embarrassing loss to Everton back in October. "Tactical genius" (copyright, Gary Neville, Sky Sports®) Roberto Martinez makes quick work of Carver in a comfortable 3-1 win for the Evertonians.
Newcastle gets a consolation prize in the 87th minute when Moussa Sissoko and Sylvain Distin square up after a corner kick and settle their disagreement with a push-up contest. Sissoko takes the crown by doing 100 push-ups in 260 seconds.
The midfielder does not, however, drive a Dodge Stratus.
Final score: Everton 3 – Newcastle 1, 0 points. No points awarded for push-ups.
March 29: Southampton (A)
Carver makes it 0-2 against Spanish managers when Newcastle loses a close one to the Saints in the most anticipated eighth-place bowl in recent memory.
Dan Gosling is seen after the match storming out of St. Mary’s before handshakes.
He had the over.
Final score: Southampton 2 - Newcastle 0, 0 points
April 5: Manchester United (H)
Sensing shoulders dropping after two defeats, and amid fears the squad has started to make off-season travel arrangements (hot tip being when Davide Santon left a brochure for Cancun in his locker), Carver reinforces his "alreet lads, get stuck in" pre-game speech by wrestling a live bear. Shirtless.
A confused and bewildered team takes the field, and a disjointed first half sees Newcastle lose its fourth out of five in the Carver era.
Throughout Toronto, 20,ooo Canadians congregate at BMO Field and nod their heads while muttering, "I knew this would happen."
Final score: Manchester United 2 – Newcastle 0, 0 points. No points awarded for Carver's draw with the bear.
April 12: Stoke (A)
Fans' indifference turns to cheers after a comprehensive 2-1 victory at the Britannia, led by a goal each from the lively pair of Luuk de Jong and Loic Remy.
The twitter handle @CoolHandLuuics debuts, and immediately gathers more followers than Feltz's 306.
Yohan hangs up the phone.
Final score: Newcastle 2 – Stoke 1, 3 points
April 19: Swansea (H)
After the victory against Swansea, Newcastle is thrown into controversy after Hatem Ben Arfa is spotted at a local Indian restaurant competing in its "Spicy Naan Challenge."
Ben Arfa eats 200 pieces of jalapeno naan bread in 10 minutes to win said challenge, and takes home the t-shirt prize. Technically, this is the most prestigious award for Newcastle since the Intertoto Cup.
Final score: Newcastle 1 - Swansea 0, 3 points. And a t-shirt.
April 28: Arsenal (A)
Before the match, we learn Ben Arfa has left the club for a medical procedure in France, most likely related to eating 200 pieces of jalapeno naan.
The Frenchman will not rejoin the team for the remainder of the season.
Alan Pardew's return to the sideline is met with a collective "meh" from the travelling fan base. The return of the manager does not prove to be as inspirational to the players as the words "Cabo San Lucas" or "Rio De Janeiro."
Final score: Arsenal 2 - Newcastle 0, 0 points
May 3: Cardiff (H)
In the final home match of the season, Newcastle avenges its FA Cup defeat to the Bluebirds/Dragons. The crowd erupts when Mike Williamson scores the lone goal of the match from a scrum in front of goal.
Unfortunately for Williamson, Steven Taylor plays his customary one-good-game-per-season in front of Roy Hodgson's eyes (because it's not like an England manager visits St. James' very often).
Taylor takes a spot on the plane to Brazil, while Williamson frantically searches for a long-lost American relative.
Final score: Newcastle 1 - Cardiff 0, 3 points
May 11: Liverpool (A)
The season finale turns into a Sky Sports lovefest for the return of Liverpool to the Champions League. A panel of Kenny Dalglish, Jamie Carragher, Graeme Souness, and Steven Gerrard (in full kit) is on the Anfield sidelines for the coronation.
Newcastle plays its part in the event in a 2-0 defeat to Brendan Rodgers' men. After Luis Suarez's second time kissing three fingers on his left hand, Carragher awards the Uruguayan the MVP trophy on the spot.
Final score: Liverpool 2 - Newcastle 0, 0 points
Conclusion (in all seriousness)
Despite the best-laid accidental plans, Newcastle fails to accidently qualify for the Europa League. Our oxford-shirt-wearing overlord uncorks a special bottle of Sports Direct champagne to toast himself for a job well done.
The players depart for their various destinations in desperate need of new energy, drive, and focus. A talented but thin squad was in dire need of a revamp after Cabaye was sold, but management decided it was best to pull the hand brake on the season and violate everything sports is supposed to be about — competition, togetherness, working as a collective, and achievement in the face of adversity.
Mike Ashley laughed at all of them.
Look, Newcastle was never going to be relegated this season. The team was too good from the start. The first half of the season showed that when everyone was pulling in the same direction, this group could accomplish something.
January changed all of that.
This summer, another revamp is needed because many, many players have their tickets out the door. But Newcastle doesn't seem to have any plan for a rebuild, anyone in charge to make these decisions, and no infrastructure in place to even execute a plan.
Who do we have to blame for this current state? The man in the oxford shirt.