Get Your Phil: Transfer Edition

Guest column by Phil Lavanco

We are now 60 percent through the Premier League season, and before we know it our attention will be focused on the 32 teams descending on Brazil.

The Hall-of-Fame NFL coach Bill Parcells once said "you are what your record says you are," so by that measure it has been a pretty decent season for our Fightin' Frenchies. Over the course of the season, I think I've figured out this team and its storylines pretty well.

Let's take a look at the good, the bad, and the ugly of the 2013-2014 Newcastle United season before Clint Dempsey lifts the Jules Rimet Trophy at the Maracanã on July 13.

The Good

Pardew has figured out "the best XI." 
The five-man midfield Pardew has been rolling out has been the direct cause of our rise up the table. The shift in formation has allowed Twitter All-Star Vurnon Anita to display his abundance of skill and put Yohan Cabaye on the plane to Brazil. We could nitpick (and some of you do in spades) about the faults of the system, but you cannot deny the results this lineup has produced this season.

Mike Williamson's rise to aerial dominance has been a welcome surprise.
Magic Mike is so full of confidence he busted this move out against West Ham. I'll pause while you watch over and over. The day he replaced MYM as Coloccini's Robin was the day Newcastle started its rise up the table. "Consistency" has been the name of the game for our No. 6. Very rarely has he put a foot wrong during his time in the starting lineup. Williamson has plugged the leaky gap in Newcastle's back four.

The Bad

Pardew would rather swim with piranhas then rotate a team.
Our manager simple refuses to rotate the squad to keep our players fresh, even during the long Christmas. The manager's stubbornness has directly led to two losses in very winnable matches (Swansea and West Brom).

Newcastle's most gifted offensive player has been relegated to bench duty.
The fallout from the best XI is we've left our most talented offensive player on the bench for significant portions of the season. Hatem Ben Arfa has been relegated to either 45 minutes of "the team needs a bit of pixie dust" or "go on and run around a bit" duty. The man who is capable of magic has only made himself disappear.

The Ugly

This guy in charge of making the team better has no chance of making the team better.
Joe Kinnear has embarked on scouting trips to Germany and delegations to France under the guise of attracting players to Newcastle United. So far, Joe Kinnear has as many signing as Cisse has league goals. The Toon is in need of a few fresh bodies to liven up the squad, but can the man in charge of recruitment actually recruit players? And the bigger question: Does the owner want to spend the money to push his team along?

Yohan's imminent departure makes me sad for the future of Newcastle.
Our Dreamboat wants to win trophies and play in the Champions League. Unfortunately, he cannot do this under the current regime at St. James' Park. Personally, I hope he stays until after the World Cup, but it looks as if he might leave this month to the Scrooge McDuck rich in Paris. I can't blame him, either.

...

Transfer season — my favorite time of the year. If I were in Graham Carr's position, here are three players I would ship off the roster and three players who would immediately help the squad.

Three players I'll give a ride to the Newcastle airport:

Sly Marveaux/Gabriel Obertan
It's a simple story. Players are acquired to challenge for a position on the first team. Those players (for whatever reason) fail to make a significant impact and get sold to their next club. The first club takes the money it receives for its fringe players and spends it on new players who will compete for first-team places. The two Frenchmen get grouped together because they just simply did not cut the Dijon mustard at Newcastle.

Davide Santon
How many games does it take for potential to turn into mediocrity? At the time of this writing, our Italian fullback has played 84 matches for Newcastle. He has shown one real talent: dribbling. He is a below-average defender and a below-average offensive threat. In his 84 matches, Santon has tallied three assists (per ESPN FC’s stats) and one more goal than our entire blogging team. So if AC Milan bids any amount of cash to bring Santon back to his homeland, would anyone stand in his way? I didn't think so.

Papiss Cisse
As mentioned many times before, it's just not going to work for Cisse. The ship has long sailed, carrying with it any optimism that he will turn it around in a black and white shirt. The manager has lost faith, the crowd has lost faith, and now he has drifted into an irrelevant status on Tyneside. The best option for him is a move abroad to rehabilitate his career. But will Ashley sanction any move that doesn't bring back more than the £9 million we paid? It's a fascinating topic that our owner has not encountered under his dictatorship.

Three players I would like Newcastle to buy (if we were a real sports team):

Demba Ba
Come home, Demba. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I forgive you for the ruckus that forced a move to Chelsea for a bigger pay stub. I forgive you for unsettling your countryman. Turns out he wasn't actually worth all the trouble. We found you a new running partner and he's a perfect complement to your skill set. You've made some cash on the Chelsea bench, rested your knees … it's now time to resume your goal scoring career. I'll stock up on strawberry syrup.

Adam Lallana
OK, this is the spot where Remy Cabella gets all the love. A technical, playmaking midfielder from our beloved country of cheese, wine, and white flags. He sounds all sorts of wonderful, except for the standard period of "settling into a new league," while Newcastle settles into mid-table indifference. It would be wonderful if our hierarchy showed some ambition, and identified a ready-made Premier League player of superior skill to help the charge up the table.

Dimitar Berbatov
If Demba doesn't come because he loves sitting on the sidelines, this is the guy I want. I will preface this by acknowledging I completely understand he has no chance of coming to Newcastle. Not this window, not ever. But picture this scenario: Newcastle is playing a close contest at St. James' Park, and the score is tied. Magic Mike hoofs the ball to the center circle, toward our Bulgarian target man. Da Berba traps the ball cleanly, and in one quick turn volleys an inch perfect pass into space for Loic Remy to run onto and tap in. All while taking a puff from the cigarette that loosely hangs from the crease of his lips.

Newcastle stat that may only interest me (shamelessly plagiarized from Peter King)

Cabaye has scored 3 times from outside the box in the PL this season, the same number as the entire West Ham side combined. #NUFC

— NUFC Stats & Data (@NUFC_data) January 18, 2014

I am going to miss you, Dreamboat. May you win many trophies in your future endeavors, except for the World Cup in Brazil (obviously).

Newcastle tweet of the... (time in between columns)

Gabriel Obertan stormed off, then realised he was storming the wrong way, then tripped over a kit-bag and tried to claim a pen.

— Ste Slade (@schtev_slade) December 29, 2013

Self-awareness is not our Martian friend's strongest suit.

Sign-off
Transfer windows have an ugly way of bringing out the worst in Newcastle United. They shine a light of the dictatorship of Mike Ashley and a regime that cares more about ROI than trophies. This is a really talented group of players that does not need an overhaul, just a tweak. Newcastle is dangerously close to being a really good team that could contend for many accolades —which is the point of sports, to win stuff.

Comments

[@LeeSibbald]

Nice article Phil, but here's what I didn't agree with (surprised?):

- Cisse. He's talented, but has zero confidence. How does one get confidence? The crowd help (and we have tried), but a run of games, a good final ball, and some amount of luck are really what he needs. And to stay onside. I have this feeling that, as soon as he's shipped out, he'd suddenly rediscover his touch and score for fun. And we'd be standing there, watching Shola as the only striker we have left, bumbling about apparently being loved by everyone.

- Berbatov. Really? Put down that dookie lad, you're high! No thanks.

- Ba. Maybe, but it was all about him last time around and he went as soon as he had the chance. Hardly endeared himself to the fans even if he was a great striker. Take a way the service of Cabaye and you'd wonder how the hell Ba will score, let alone Cisse.

Also don't forget Remy is offski - if not to another club then possible to the nick. But either way, he sure doesn't look like someone keen to stay here (keeping options open, doesn't want to talk about it, etc.)

They say always end on a joke so, here goes...

[Dave from Newcastle]

You realize Remy would still either miss the goal or tap it right at the keeper's knee, right?

That said, I agree with you on Berba. Wish we would have made the move 2 years ago- or whenever ManU was ready to offload him for nothing.

[MNTOONARMY9]

Despite a third-degree mancrush on Yohan Cabaye, the only way he'll be leading Newcastle to the Champions League is on my XBOX.

As the departure appears to be done, cue the Newcastle Universe to weep, wail, gnash teeth and rend garments. You know the lines by now: "our club will never be a contender", "no desire in ownership to win, just make good business decisions" or my favorite "AshPardsJoe Out" (as if some other regime would magically cast off the shackles which hold them back).

This ignores a fundemental truth: Cabaye was leaving. Leaving.

As we saw with the Arsenal foul up earlier this season, Cabaye was one to have his head turned by other bigger clubs. He clearly is a player of world class quality, knows it and wants to be in the Champions League. As a Frenchman, playing in Paris for PSG would clearly have it's draw (good luck, Yohan with that 192% tax rate) and with our club a bit under Champions League form, it is not as though there was a real possbility of that here.

The player wanted to leave. Yes, he gave us wonderful performances, but unless we had somehow been hovering at the #4 spot at this point, if not now, soon. Unless we're going to go out and spend 100M on new players to explode into the top four, we can't offer what he was looking for. If a player wants to leave, management needs to get the best deal for him and make a good decision.

In my opinion, the real test will be this: Will Newcastle use these funds to bring in a number of players like Cabaye was when he arrived? Those 4-7M players who can explode and if you have enough of them, you can reach the top four without spending 100M in the transfer market, because we know THAT's a strong likelihood, right?

Right?

[MNTOONARMY9]

One thing about the "Newcastle tweet of the...":

For Obertan to claim a penalty he would have to be in the penalty area. It's a large rectangle, about 18 yards deep in front of the goal area and the goal.

Do they make maps of the SJP pitch?

[MichiToon25]

Berbatov??? No way. And, I think a lot of fans need to stop the negativity with comments like: "(if we were a real sports team)" and start supporting the team. Were you a fan during relegation? C'mon man!