I Wish I Was A Geordie - The Blog of Newcastle United in the US

Three Dim Spots From A Dark Day

How are we supposed to pick just three of our customary post-match points from one of the sorrier performances of this or any other Newcastle United season? The demented lineup, the absence of defensive organization, the near-total lack of visible effort or concern from the squad, the inability to generate a single decent scoring chance (or any shot at net until the waning minutes)...Saturday's sickening-yet-flattering 0-4 result against Southampton was a nightmarish smorgasbord for critics of a club in apparent free-fall as the 2013-'14 campaign lurches to its merciful conclusion. 

So, as much for the challenge as anything, here's an attempt at finding three bright spots, or at least dim ones, in a pitch-black day:

Class in goal. Newcastle's consistently shoddy marking at the back, especially by Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa and sub Davide Santon (can it get much worse for him?), gave Rob Elliot a golden chance to impress in goal. And did he ever. Beyond the acrobatic stops that kept the scoreline looking something like a soccer match, Elliot's smart and accurate distribution ignited some of the day's only build-up from the back. His facial and body language indicated he might have even cared about the outcome. It's difficult to judge a keeper from infrequent performances - any player can get up for a rare start. But this backup has a way of making his patchwork club look like it has at least one area of true depth on the roster.

At least we know what's not working. So many players looked so clearly out of place on Saturday that even Newcastle's stubborn management should be moved to stop forcing square pegs into round holes (or maybe even start finding players who fit the holes to begin with). Every step Yanga-Mbiwa made seemed to scream "I am not a right back" - the New Yorker among us suggests MYM be tried in the middle especially with the continued threat of Fab Coloccini's departure, and while I'd be watching that between my fingers, there's not anything to lose now and it can't get much worse than it already is. The closer Moussa Sissoko gets to the center of the field the more he looks like a winger. Hatem Ben Arfa generated plenty on the right side - for the opponents. It's painfully apparent he needs to be played somewhere else...geographically.

Not even the owner could bear to look. TV audiences (in America at least) were treated to a devastatingly symbolic shot of Mike Ashley paying absolutely no attention to the match from the stands. Not that anyone could blame him. Newcastle looked every bit like relegation fodder, especially in my living room with Crystal Palace dispatching Chelsea on an adjacent screen. Only the shortness of the season will keep this club in the Premier League, and the timing and cushion for a collapse might not be so advantageous in the future. Media reports in Newcastle that Ashley is endorsing a summer makeover might just be true. If ever there was evidence it isn't safe to liquidate talent for money, Saturday was it.

Three Points: Cissé Ransacks Crystal Palace

As we tweeted in the afterglow of Newcastle's last-second goal: Hatem Ben Arfa set up Papiss Cissé. It's like 2012 all over again. Here's our take on the match, quicker than Cissé's header flew by Julian Speroni.

Cissé see-saw: Though he's often criticized for being mentally fragile, Cissé showed plenty of resilence in stoppage time today. His match-winner came only a couple minutes after he somehow failed to get a toe on Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa's centering pass in front of an open net. On the whole, he had his best match of the season, constantly popping up in dangerous areas with well-timed runs and working hard to hold up the ball out wide. The left-footed volley he had from Moussa Sissoko's pass in the first half was awfully reminiscent of the player who first came to Newcastle in January 2012. Since next year's striker situation is a total mystery, it's encouraging to know that the old Papiss may still be lurking in there somewhere.

Unselfish Ben Arfa: It's hard to say what was more surprising today - the effective play of Cissé or the restrained, team-first sub appearance from Hatem Ben Arfa. Instead of coming on late and dominating the ball, Ben Arfa (18 of 19 passes completed, 3 chances created in 34 minutes) kept his head up and rewarded his teammates for moving without the ball. He and Vurnon Anita definitely seemed to be on the same wavelength, producing a couple of good chances in the process. The goal was a perfect example of Ben Arfa's changed approach. As we've seen so many times, he got the ball on the right wing and had it on his left foot, just outside the box. But instead of firing a 20-yard effort at goal, he picked out Cissé in space. Ben Arfa needs to be in Tuesday's starting XI as a reward for his unselfishness.

Attack still lacking: Newcastle still looked a little unsure of how to set itself up against an organized Palace defense. Though nominally a winger, Yoan Gouffran spent most of the match in central midfield, sometimes even behind Anita and Cheick Tioté. Luuk de Jong didn't appear to do much of anything in his support striker role. Neither Yanga-Mbiwa nor Paul Dummett offered effective width. It was a bunch of players either lacking a defined role or not operating from their preferred positions.

That being said, the period after Ben Arfa came on and before Gouffran was subbed off may provide a hint of a way forward, at least for the time being. Ben Arfa, Gouffran, and Sissoko could be a decent attacking trio behind a reinvigorated Cissé, with Anita making his occasional late run to the defense. With the club starved for goals in the absence of Loïc Rémy, something needs to change.

Three Points: Listless Defeat At Fulham

Yes, Newcastle is still playing. And while matches still "count," we're still doing recaps, even if they are a couple days late. Here's my take on Saturday's 1-0 defeat at Craven Cottage.

Dodgy keeper?  Though Tim Krul has come up with some special moments this season, especially his double saves against Spurs in November and Hull earlier this month, they've masked a fairly disappointing campaign. On Saturday, the game's only goal came via a decent shot from Ashkan Dejagah, but one that really should have been saved by a quality Premier League keeper. Just like Dejagah's 68th-minute effort, Krul's chances of starting for the Netherlands at the World Cup this summer seem to be rocketing away from him. 

Toothless up front: Loïc Rémy's calf injury meant Newcastle would likely struggle to create chances against Fulham, and that certainly proved to be the case. Luuk de Jong and Papiss Cissé didn't appear to click the way de Jong and Rémy did against Hull, though neither was exactly being given great service. And on the rare opportunities that the ball fell to either striker in a promising area, the resulting shots proved to be rather tame. Even Cissé's best chance to score only came about because de Jong shanked his own effort at goal.

While it means nothing in the context of this season, Newcastle's play without Rémy has to be a serious warning sign going into the 2014-15 campaign. Though de Jong has been a decent support striker, he doesn't look like he'll be much of a goal threat even if he's back next year. Yoan Gouffran is far and away the club's best non-Rémy scoring option at this point, and neither Alan Pardew nor John Carver has shown any inclination to give him an extended chance at striker.

Finally, the kids: With nothing to lose, Newcastle should be playing some of its top reserves over the next few weeks. Paul Dummett and Sammy Ameobi have gotten a little time of late, and Saturday saw Adam Armstrong make his Premier League debut. Seven minutes of game time wasn't nearly enough for a proper assessment of Armstrong, but hopefully it will be the first in a string of Premier League chances for the 17-year-old between now and mid-May. If nothing else, playing the kids will put a bit of positive energy into a fanbase that's currently oscillating between irritated and apathetic.

A Laughable Way To End The Season

The final 10 games of Newcastle United's season will, in all likelihood, lead to nothing tangible. No Europe, no relegation fight. We all know this.

Still, there are 10 games left to play, so something will have to transpire, right? IWIWAG podcast contributor Phil Lavanco offers up a few tongue-in-cheek predictions for Newcastle's finishing kick.

...

March 15: Fulham (A)
Newcastle flies down to the English capital to face struggling Fulham in John Carver’s first game in charge after Pardew is suspended for five matches. Unfortunately, for the travelling fans, this match plays out like a classic tale of what could have been.

Newcastle dominates possession, shots and chances, only to concede a corner kick goal to Brede Hangeland in the 88th minute.

The loss is stunning to both players and fill-in manager. On the flight back north, Mathieu Debuchy is consoled over the phone by former Magpie Yohan Cabaye, who watched the match back in Paris.

Debuchy and Cabaye begin a cross-channel game of "no, you hang up first."

Final score: Fulham 1 - Newcastle 0, 0 points

March 22: Crystal Palace (H)
Newcastle returns to St. James' Park to face Crystal Palace and Tony Pulis' squad of rejected rugby players. The result is a comfortable 2-0 win for the Black and White Army.

Yoan Gouffran scores both goals for Newcastle, prompting Matt Feltz to leap onto Twitter to keyboard warrior "I told you so" to his 306 followers.

Final score: Newcastle 2 - Crystal Palace 0, 3 points

March 25: Everton (H)
Newcastle is unable to avenge its embarrassing loss to Everton back in October. "Tactical genius" (copyright, Gary Neville, Sky Sports®) Roberto Martinez makes quick work of Carver in a comfortable 3-1 win for the Evertonians.

Newcastle gets a consolation prize in the 87th minute when Moussa Sissoko and Sylvain Distin square up after a corner kick and settle their disagreement with a push-up contest. Sissoko takes the crown by doing 100 push-ups in 260 seconds.

The midfielder does not, however, drive a Dodge Stratus.

Final score: Everton 3 – Newcastle 1, 0 points. No points awarded for push-ups.

March 29: Southampton (A)
Carver makes it 0-2 against Spanish managers when Newcastle loses a close one to the Saints in the most anticipated eighth-place bowl in recent memory.

Dan Gosling is seen after the match storming out of St. Mary’s before handshakes.

He had the over.

Final score: Southampton 2 - Newcastle 0, 0 points

April 5: Manchester United (H)
Sensing shoulders dropping after two defeats, and amid fears the squad has started to make off-season travel arrangements (hot tip being when Davide Santon left a brochure for Cancun in his locker), Carver reinforces his "alreet lads, get stuck in" pre-game speech by wrestling a live bear. Shirtless.

A confused and bewildered team takes the field, and a disjointed first half sees Newcastle lose its fourth out of five in the Carver era.

Throughout Toronto, 20,ooo Canadians congregate at BMO Field and nod their heads while muttering, "I knew this would happen."

Final score: Manchester United 2 – Newcastle 0, 0 points. No points awarded for Carver's draw with the bear.

April 12: Stoke (A)
Fans' indifference turns to cheers after a comprehensive 2-1 victory at the Britannia, led by a goal each from the lively pair of Luuk de Jong and Loic Remy.

The twitter handle @CoolHandLuuics debuts, and immediately gathers more followers than Feltz's 306.

Yohan hangs up the phone.

Final score: Newcastle 2 – Stoke 1, 3 points

April 19: Swansea (H)
After the victory against Swansea, Newcastle is thrown into controversy after Hatem Ben Arfa is spotted at a local Indian restaurant competing in its "Spicy Naan Challenge."

Ben Arfa eats 200 pieces of jalapeno naan bread in 10 minutes to win said challenge, and takes home the t-shirt prize. Technically, this is the most prestigious award for Newcastle since the Intertoto Cup.

Final score: Newcastle 1 - Swansea 0, 3 points. And a t-shirt.

April 28: Arsenal (A)
Before the match, we learn Ben Arfa has left the club for a medical procedure in France, most likely related to eating 200 pieces of jalapeno naan.

The Frenchman will not rejoin the team for the remainder of the season.

Alan Pardew's return to the sideline is met with a collective "meh" from the travelling fan base. The return of the manager does not prove to be as inspirational to the players as the words "Cabo San Lucas" or "Rio De Janeiro."

Final score: Arsenal 2 - Newcastle 0, 0 points

May 3: Cardiff (H)
In the final home match of the season, Newcastle avenges its FA Cup defeat to the Bluebirds/Dragons. The crowd erupts when Mike Williamson scores the lone goal of the match from a scrum in front of goal.

Unfortunately for Williamson, Steven Taylor plays his customary one-good-game-per-season in front of Roy Hodgson's eyes (because it's not like an England manager visits St. James' very often).

Taylor takes a spot on the plane to Brazil, while Williamson frantically searches for a long-lost American relative.

Final score: Newcastle 1 - Cardiff 0, 3 points

May 11: Liverpool (A)
The season finale turns into a Sky Sports lovefest for the return of Liverpool to the Champions League. A panel of Kenny Dalglish, Jamie Carragher, Graeme Souness, and Steven Gerrard (in full kit) is on the Anfield sidelines for the coronation.

Newcastle plays its part in the event in a 2-0 defeat to Brendan Rodgers' men. After Luis Suarez's second time kissing three fingers on his left hand, Carragher awards the Uruguayan the MVP trophy on the spot.

Final score: Liverpool 2 - Newcastle 0, 0 points

Conclusion (in all seriousness)
Despite the best-laid accidental plans, Newcastle fails to accidently qualify for the Europa League. Our oxford-shirt-wearing overlord uncorks a special bottle of Sports Direct champagne to toast himself for a job well done.

The players depart for their various destinations in desperate need of new energy, drive, and focus. A talented but thin squad was in dire need of a revamp after Cabaye was sold, but management decided it was best to pull the hand brake on the season and violate everything sports is supposed to be about — competition, togetherness, working as a collective, and achievement in the face of adversity.

Mike Ashley laughed at all of them.

Look, Newcastle was never going to be relegated this season. The team was too good from the start. The first half of the season showed that when everyone was pulling in the same direction, this group could accomplish something.

January changed all of that.

This summer, another revamp is needed because many, many players have their tickets out the door. But Newcastle doesn't seem to have any plan for a rebuild, anyone in charge to make these decisions, and no infrastructure in place to even execute a plan.

Who do we have to blame for this current state? The man in the oxford shirt.

On The Air: How Much Of The Book Should Be Thrown?

In their latest venture onto the virtual airwaves, Matt, Phil and Bob convene an IWIWAG court to discuss how much of the book could or should be thrown at Alan Pardew's head after its putative butt against Hull City's David Meyler on Saturday. Was it on purpose? What was the purpose? Can he plead insanity? How can someone who dresses so well behave so poorly? Does head-butting a former Mackem warrant a ban or an award? Plus the loquacious lads take the extreme and unprecedented step of talking about the actual match in which the incident occurred. (Thrill to Matt Feltz fantasizing about a De Jong-Gouffran strike partnership! Not to be missed!) Click below to listen, or visit our iTunes page to vacuum up your very own copy for posterity.

 

I Wish I Was A Geordie March 3 2014

 

Pardew's Head Puts U.S. Fans In A Hayes

Only at Newcastle United could the best performance of the year turn into the biggest controversy of the season.

Alan Pardew's touchline skull assault against Hull City's David Meyler negated what could have been a day of rehabilitation for Newcastle's embattled manager (and any sense in doing our traditional tripartite post-match report). American commentators have already begun comparing the incident with our country's most infamous sideline offense by a coach: "Shades of Woody Hayes," said NBC's Jimmy Roberts, referencing the combustible Ohio State University football coach whose career ended after he punched an opposing player in the throat during the 1978 Gator Bowl. Numerous fans on Twitter wondered whether Pardew should be similarly dispatched from his position, including our own Tom Ziemer.

Saturday's incident is more complicated than what brought down Hayes. Pardew's attack was more a matter of intent than damage done - his noggin landed with little more force than a kiss. It could also be argued that Pardew was provoked by a push from the player (though some sharp-eyed tweeters pointed out that Pardew may have provoked the provocation by impeding the player from the ball). But Pardew faces a higher bar of conduct as a manager in a sport where violence is less tolerated (or glorified) than American football, especially in Hayes' era.

In the end Pardew will be judged not by Twitter but by the FA, which is about as predictable. Neither a red-card slap nor a season ban seem out of the realm of possibility. Justice in the matter probably rests not on what actually occurred but on the expectations of a Premier League manager. The act itself was less serious than the ramifications if touchlines aren't kept sacrosanct.

I myself am less troubled by the incident than many in the tweet-o-sphere. Sports generally benefit from judging the foul by the harm and not by an inevitably subjective moral code, especially in the heat of battle. One thing we can take from Saturday's performance, both in its hustle on the field and its over-bravado on the touchline: At least the manager and the players seem to care, which is more than we can say about the owner.